How to deepen intimacy…open your mouth!

I am the biggest culprit of this one. Sweeping issues that arise in my relationships under the rug. Complete avoidance. The problem is they have an insidious way of rearing their ugly head later on when years of resentment had built up inside of me. 

I mean just how do you ask a man to start cleaning floors ten years into a marriage? How do you tell a man, (in my case two of them) that never having been given a wedding or engagement rings hurts me to the core.  Rather than engaging in valuable conversation that perhaps would have deepened the intimacy, I was too hurt, too devalued and too worried about the response to bravely try, It’s excruciating when the time has passed to bring up things, that he has forgotten about.

It’s stressful to keep your feelings, wants, desires and hurts bottled up. Opening up a clear, and calm way will at least get what you have so heavily on your heart off of it. Reeber the old saying, It’s not what you say but the way you say it? That’s so true. Gently is the way to go. “Have you considered…” Not a “You make me feel taken for granted….”\

You have to be brave to ask for what you want. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Bringing up past issues is treacherous ground. Don’t get defensive, choose your words carefully. Don’t get angry, keep the tone of your voice friendly and not confrontational, else you risk him deflecting and throwing insults at you to protect himself.

Ask for what you really need. What is is that you want as the outcome. Is it fixable, can he change his routine to make you happier, or are you just asking for recognition and a hug will suffice?

It’s not easy to accept criticism, and your man, if he feels attacked, will go on the defensive. If you want a lifetime of connected communication, then these intimate conversations need to occur. Remember to be gentle, you are endeavoring to build intimacy and trust and strengthen your relationship.