WHEN YOUR GUY IS CLUELESS
How to get him to be thoughtful and romance you the way you’d like without having to drop hints
It’s enough to make you want to jump back on dating sites. When you’re online dating, it can be the biggest ego boost. Men constantly clamoring for your attention, showering you with compliments, so it can be a rude awakening if the man you’ve fallen for is missing a romantic chip. It takes away the romance if you have to tell your partner that you love words of affirmation. Not syrupy and all the time, but meaningful accolades that touch you deeply and make you fall further in love with him.
If we have to drop blatant hints that flowers given unexpectedly because he wants to show you that he appreciates you would be wildly appreciated, it takes the surprise and romance out of it. Now, I may die of shock if that happened since in 24 years of marriage that never happened, but then think, how easy would it be if you were my partner to step up and be that man. Be the one to show me how it would feel to be romanced or to drop a word of affirmation.
If I have to drop a hint for a word of affirmation, or that I’d like my man to put some extra thought and romance into a date, then it takes away the surprise, it takes away the meaning.
So how do we tell our significant and yes, sometimes clueless other how we want him to connect with us? How do we avoid ending up feeling frustrated and disappointed in him? He should know that when you said you weren’t starving, that you still wanted to eat, just not that much. He should know that you want to see him alone, that you are craving his attention and don’t want to double date, he should know what movie you’d like to see. Right? Well maybe not.
If you feel misunderstood and you feel like the communication is strained and you are coming from different planets, it can cause resentment, arguments and even cheating. I agree it’s beyond frustrating when you feel like you’ve sent the message loud and clear to your preferences and he acts like either he didn’t hear or doesn’t care. Why is our man so clueless? Doesn’t he care?
If you want your man to be more romantic and thoughtful and a whole lot less clueless here’s what you should do:
He is not a mind reader
You can assume that what you think are perfectly normal societal expectations and logical doesn’t mean that your partner sees it that way. He doesn’t think the same way as you. You are separate beings, and as a man, he isn’t as in touch with your feelings. He would be horrified if he knew how many times you have thought of breaking up merely because you are longing for more from him. It isn’t that he doesn’t love and care for you, it’s that he doesn’t realize the significance of what a few gestures or words would mean to you. To him, they are insignificant, to you they are everything.
Be in touch with who you are, and why these things are so important to you. When you understand that, it will be easier to express to your partner why they are so important. If words of affirmation are important, explain to him that they make you feel secure and cherished in your relationship. That those simple words affirm your relationship and make you stick like glue to him. If he understood that expressing why he is attracted to you, bonds and connects you to him, then he understands the worth behind it.
Come from the positive
Nothing is going to get your man’s defenses up more than you nagging him. For instance, what if you love to hold your man’s hand. Have you told him? How about the next time you are on a date, reach out and hold his hand, and say it in an affirming way, that you love it when you hold hands.
You love it when he demonstrates affection in public? After a date send him a cute text, saying how special he made you feel when he put his arm around you. Boost his ego and guide him from what he’s doing right. He probably is totally unaware that these small gestures mean a lot to you. He needs guidance. You are on a mission to make him less clueless!
Don’t assume he’s an idiot in romance
We all know the let down when you have dropped the hints, or just expected him to do what your other boyfriends have done. You feel so disappointed, you start questioning the validity of your relationship and if it’s going to work. It feels like you are not worthy and as women, we are hard on ourselves.
The problem is when we feel like he is an uncaring idiot, we treat him like one, one that further puts a divide between us. You come across as hot and cold, you pull away to protect yourself emotionally and you make snide remarks because you are hurting. You feel like there is a void in your relationship.
Acknowledge to yourself how his actions or inactions make you feel. Take a deep breath and at the right time, when things aren’t going south between you, mention how certain things are very necessary for you to feel a sense of well-being within your relationship.
When you want to talk with him, make sure he isn’t otherwise distracted. Not on his laptop, not watching T.V. Let him know that you want his undivided attention. As excruciating it is to have to sit him down and tell him what you feel he should innately know anyway, you have to do it, otherwise, the resentment will just keep on growing.
Sit him down, and ask, “May I speak to you for a few minutes.” That should get his attention! When you have his undivided attention is when you know you have the chance of him hearing you, and how important this is to you.
Be clear, concise and specific
It is such a vulnerable place to be in. To be open and raw about what it is you need from your relationship. You have chosen to be with this man because you care for him. You want to know what he wants from you. In return, he needs to know what you desire from him. Don’t waffle. It’s excruciating, I know, but if you’ve made the effort to sit him down, you might as well get what you’ve set out to achieve from it.
Men respond well to direct requests. If you hate that your man comes in and flops in front of the T.V making you feel like you play 2nd fiddle to it, be honest. Tell him that you don’t like that and offer a solution. Ask him for what you want. “I would love it if when we got home from an evening out if we could just spend time together, talk
Try to be as positive and keep the blame and making him feeling, making love, after which if you feel you want to turn the TV on, fine.” It’s direct, and it gives a compromise.
l like he has done something wrong out of it. It’s not an attack. You are merely training your sometimes clueless yet quite lovable man how to make you happy. He wants that so you are guiding him to be the man that you need and deserve.