When you deny you’re in love

I consider myself a relatively smart woman. I am in intuitive, intouch with my feelings, I know my boundaries and my wants and needs. So, I ask myself often, how come I couldn’t see or perhaps wouldn’t acknowledge when I was in love? Why was I in so much denial?

I know the answer to that one. It’s a two-part answer. Firstly, I thought that he was incapable of being in love with me. In fact he had stated as much. That he didn’t think he could ever love anyone as he had loved his wife many years before. That statement automatically put up the walls around me, the ones that said, “Don’t fall in love with this man, and if you do, be certain to not let him know” It was the fear of scaring him away. My heart was saying yes, but my very logical mind was saying a very firm and adamant “No”. This was really repressing my emotions and the pulling tension was painful. My head was telling me that what I was feeling wasn’t reciprocal and that I was opening myself up to deep hurt. My heart was telling me otherwise. I was enamored by his presence, his essence, the way he spoke, the connection and attraction we had.

Secondly, I didn’t want to face the rejection. I didn’t want the humiliation of letting him know that I was profoundly in love with him. If I could have a redo, I would. It is one of my deepest regrets that I didn’t tell him. So what? If it wasn’t reciprocated then I would have accepted it, and allowed myself to move on, or allowed him the time to feel the same way. Pride comes before a fall, and my resistance to be embarrassed allowed a precious moment slip by, and ultimately a loss to happen.

Don’t spend the time resisting your feelings. Why control yourself? To be true to you, to what you are experiencing to be authentic, you need to be honest with yourself first. It is an internal battle, but one that we create and inflict upon ourselves. For me it was naivete. Why did I think I couldn’t fall in love in three months? Where did that notion come from? Why is it I live limitlessly, but yet I restricted myself from being intune with my emotions? Where was my courage? I was living a lie, and worse, I was believing that lie. If I had been honest, then I truly believe the response would have been honest. If my love had been rejected, then I would have known right then and there that he wasn’t the man for me.

Why is it that we obsess about love? We dream about it, search it out, and fantasize about the way it would feel. Then when we have found it, we often take it for granted, resist it, agonize over it and even deny it?

As a mother I know pure love. The kind of love that is non-judgemental, compassionate and pure. Love is the most natural physical, mental and spiritual state of being that exists. To feel that kind of intense love for a man is beyond scary. I had the purest of intentions. I sacrificed letting the person I loved know to save myself immense hurt. I gave it up, because I thought that I was opening myself up to huge hurt. In the end, it cost me more than I thought possible.

35  ways you are in denial about being in love

1)You reread text messages and emails from him over and over again.

2) His opinion of you matters deeply.

3) You want him to pursue you.

4) You hang on their every word.

5) You crave being physically and emotionally closer to them but you deny it’s love.

6) You look forward to seeing them more than usual.

7) You stare at your phone willing it to ring or to receive a text from him.

8) He affects your mood swings.

9) His problems are yours and you start to try and think of ways to practically solve them.

10) You pay attention to all the little things he does and says.

11) You begin to lose control over how you feel about him.

12) He is on your mind constantly. You wake up thinking about him, and fall asleep dreaming of him.

13) You fantasize about your future together.

14) You let him get away with things because you don’t want to rock the boat.

15) You are invested in your shared future together.

16) He looks just as hot in his gym clothes as when he is all dressed up to go on a date.

17)You go out of your way to make him happy.

18) You start to let down your guard and let him see the true you.

19) You maintain yourself and how you look to a standard that is there just to impress him.

20) You trust him explicitly.

21) You become a better person around him.

22) You like EVERYTHING about him.

23) All the red flags you had about him fade to pink flags.

24) You go to him for advice and allow him to be a listening ear.

25) The best thing in the world is a night spent with him.

26) You savor the photos of the two of you together.

28) You admire him. The way he looks when he smiles, his essence, his personality. You have no problem letting him know how you feel.

29) He challenges you to be a better person.

30) He shows you what you have been missing in your life.

31) He excites and motivates you.

32) You take care of him, and nurture him whether he asked or not.

33) You feel like you’ve won the lottery by having him in your life. You feel incredibly lucky.

34) You daydream about him a lot.

35) You can’t imagine your life without him.

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