For just a couple of months I dated an asexual man. I would wryly think to myself that I had spent a year trying to keep men out of my panties, and here I was with a man that had no interest what was in my knickers. Honestly. Sigh. I can laugh about it now and all the other reasons I shouldn’t have dated this man, but at the time I was so confused and it was a real knock to my self-esteem.

Let set the scene. I fly him to Key West for his birthday as a surprise for a romantic few nights away together. The first night, I take a shower, slip into a negligee, and enter the bedroom. There’s Mr. Asexuality himself watching a football game in bed working on his laptop. No problem…maybe he’ll at least cast an eye in my direction? Nope, not as much as a peek. So for two hours, I try to go to sleep, because clearly, I am not going to get any action. But, I’m hurt, and disappointed, I feel rejected and undesirable. Eventually, I turn to him and ask what I’m missing between us, and why he doesn’t want to have sex with me. He looks at me wide-eyed and truly had no clue why I would be upset. Reluctantly he put down his laptop and had sex with me, with the game still on. He was clearly more interested in the game than me, and that was the last time we ever had sex. No longer could I feel like I was pestering someone for sex.

So now I completely understand why men with high sex drives get frustrated with their partner whose libidos aren’t as high. There’s nothing worse than feeling that your partner doesn’t want you sexually as much as you desire them. I never realized that asexuality was so prevalent, and as with my very short-lived relationship, my poor boyfriend had no clue that he was asexual. He just thought that he had a low sex drive, but he didn’t feel an attraction to me or other women. He enjoyed female companionship, but he wasn’t thinking about the naughty things he would like to do with his partner.

ACCEPTANCE

To be with a man that doesn’t feel sexual attraction or desire is tough, but because I was so fond of him and his companionship, I pushed my needs to the side. I tried to understand his asexuality and realized that this wasn’t something that I was going to be able to change. That I needed to accept it, and I tried not to be mad at him for not telling me prior to us being intimate because sadly he had no clue. He thought he was normal, and that he wanted affection, but not sex, so he decided to see an ex on the side who was an unattractive, heavyset woman with a long list of mental health issues because she didn’t pressure him for sex, and he could just cuddle and not have to worry about his performance. That, of course, was the last straw and I broke up with him.

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

Easier said than done. He isn’t rejecting you because you don’t have a good body, or you aren’t amazing in bed. He’s rejecting you because he isn’t capable of being attracted to anyone, or being an amazing lover. It was heartbreaking to see how inadequate this man was. It was like sleeping with a young boy with no experience. No technique whatsoever. He would struggle to maintain an erection, and when we did have sex it was over in a blink of an eye leaving me dissatisfied.  It there was ever a time to say, “It’s not you, it’s me” it’s when you are with an asexual man. You could be the hottest woman on earth, and he wouldn’t know how to appreciate it. One thing that really helped me was to speak with his former girlfriend who confirmed that the sex was awful. It made me feel better that it wasn’t just me.

He is asexual because he is asexual. You can’t change it. There’s no point in wearing sexy lingerie, there’s no point waiting for him to tear your clothes from your body and ravish you because it isn’t going to happen.

In the beginning, I would feel so insecure, that I would pathetically ask him if he wasn’t attracted to me. He would swear up and down that I was the sexiest woman he had ever gone out with, which just left me even more puzzled as to why he didn’t want to have sex with me.

I would think that I would just bide my time and then I could start to “teach” him how to pleasure me.

OPEN COMMUNICATION

I feel in every relationship, it’s important to be completely open about sexual needs, desires, and boundaries. A sense of entitlement is not acceptable. What you want from a relationship sexually should be explored and discussed together. The problem with my asexual boyfriend is that he hadn’t really thought about himself as being asexual. He thought asexuality meant never having sex.

I guess my future lovers are going to luck out because I will never complain if they want sex all the time! Being with an asexual man was an eye-opener for sure, and it makes me so grateful that I have a healthy libido and I enjoy sex. I can’t imagine being trapped in a body that doesn’t allow for the immense enjoyment that a fulfilling sex life brings.