So you’ve been chatting with him, and you like him…a lot. He’s easy to talk with on the phone, he’s funny, intelligent, charismatic, he’s in touch with his emotions, loves his family, values his friends…and now you’re going to meet him for the first time.

Usually, you go on a meet and greet, and you’re not nervous, but this one feels different, and you have butterflies in your stomach.

You’re also as horny as possible, having not had decent sex in a year. You want a really good connective session of some really good lovemaking but you don’t want to come across as loose, desperate nor do you want the potential of a good relationship to go belly up.

There’s no firm or fast rules. In the past, there was the “3 date rule” and now more and more women are waiting for 5 dates. I’m not sure that there is a magic number, but there are several considerations you should think about.

What are you looking for?

If you are looking for a committed serious long term relationship then it’s important to do everything you can to ensure that you give yourself the best chance. If you want more than a hookup, which focuses more on sexuality than creating an environment that fosters emotional intimacy which is precisely what is needed to form a successful relationship.

Emotional intimacy is formed when you share and understand your partner’s feelings, thoughts and experiences. When you are open and vulnerable with your partner by sharing your hopes and dreams, your fears and failures as well as expressing your feelings towards him, such as your admiration, respect, appreciation in a positive way.

So why not have sex straight away?

Having sex very early on shifts the dynamic from an emotional connection that is essential for a solid foundation to a passionate and intense sexual connection. Your hormones start surging and the love hormones of dopamine make us put our rose-tinted glasses on and we choose to not see the red flags and we blind ourselves to things that later on we realize we were foolish not to see.

So how do you get the relationship off to a good start?

I love to flirt, what woman doesn’t? It’s innately feminine and fun and totally harmless. It adds to the physical chemistry, and yes, it builds the undeniable sexual chemistry. There’s nothing wrong with innocently flirting through touching his arm, making eye contact, smiling, laughing, and even some delicious kissing. Remember, he will value what he has to work hard for. You are special and unique, and he needs to know that he is really lucky to even have a shot of getting between the sheets with you. You want him to respect and value you and want you for more than a roll in the hay.

What should you be looking for before sleeping with him?

You should be looking for shared core values. I don’t care about what music he listens to, or what activities he likes to do. I even try really hard to stop worrying about whether he likes me, but more how do I feel about him, and how does he make me feel as a woman? Can I see him fitting into my life? I’m dating with intent, I want to find someone that I could possibly spend the rest of my life with, that’s a tall order. I need someone that has shared values that align with mine. Our philosophy on travel and expanding our horizons, and that discovering the world with someone you love is so much more meaningful that exploring it alone.

I look for someone that understands family values, that loves his own family, but also knows that to have a successful relationship, you have to put your partner high on that list of priorities. I’m quite sure that I could have passionate and fabulous sex with many men, but how many of them have core values that mirror my own?

What is he interested in relationship-wise?

You know what you’re looking for in a relationship, but do you know what he is looking for? Don’t assume that he wants a long term relationship because his profile says so. Don’t assume because he’s never been married before, he won’t in the future. If a man desires something enough and feels enough for a woman, he will move heaven and earth to be with her and make it work. Make sure that you discuss this topic in a very candid way.

There are so many different dynamics that go into finding a partner that meets not only your expectations but goes above and beyond. Is he crazy about you? He desires to make you happy and to serve you. He can envisage a future with you.

If your core values align and both of you enter a relationship from a place of honesty and vulnerability then sex enhances your intimacy as a couple…and that’s where the magic happens.

So whether you wait for 3 or 5 dates, it’s not a time thing, it’s a “Where are you at?” thing. How connected are you feeling to this person emotionally? How much of a foundation are you setting? Then some hot and amazing sex is the cherry on top, the treat for the two of you once you’ve ascertained that you would make a great couple. After all, who doesn’t want scrumptious toe-curling sex?